It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
