the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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