Barsexuality is the new black.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
