I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
