I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
