Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
