We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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