Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
