why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
