Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
