im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
