My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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