Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Randomize
