Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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