if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
