In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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