I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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