I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
why do cheetos always look like penises
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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