The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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