thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize