she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
