He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
