went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
