im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
