So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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