420 ftw
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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