i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
