i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
