Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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