I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
