It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
