the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize