if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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