we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
