just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
