Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
