the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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