just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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