Ambien. No doubt about it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Bring me that man meat
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
