I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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