Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
