Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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