drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
