My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize