Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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