last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
