i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
