You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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