Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize