I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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