I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize