I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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