But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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