Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
