Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
and you fell through a lawn chair
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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