I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
