I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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