Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
